The Guide To Being a Man II (LOL)

real-man

Last September, I wrote responses to Wall Street Journal’s John Carney’s list of how to be a man. You can read last year’s article here. If you wish to see my responses from last September, just go to that section of this blog. I don’t write a lot, so it shouldn’t be hard to find. They released an updated version of that list this past September. I would have responded earlier, but I’ve spent this whole year not being a man and backpacking and traveling. My bad. But hey, in the Spirit of Christmas, let’s be a little Scrooge-like, shall we?

“Now, we’ve decided to team up with Genius (formerly Rap Genius) and update that list for 2014, and to include annotations. Click the highlighted lines to read more.”

The annotations do not work for my laptop; probably being that I’m not a real man and am a broke backpacker. But I thought I’d take time out of my empty life and respond to their updated list. Being that this is an updated list of last year’s, there’s some repeats. So, I’m just going to respond to the newbies. Enjoy!

Always carry cash. Keep some in your front pocket.-See, this is my problem with this list and last year’s. They offer some decent life advice relevant to tipping and other miscellaneous tidbits. Admittedly, some of it is pretty spot on and could create for just convenience in your life. Much like this tidbit about carrying cash. How is this related to what’s in between my legs? Even in the 21st Century, (especially in San Francisco) there are many places that are cash only. You don’t want to use an ATM; those silly withdrawal fees add up. Also, ever traveled around Southeast Asia? 98 percent of businesses are cash only. So, was I more of a man because I ALWAYS had cash on me! Was my fiance a man because of this? Oh man, I hope not.

Rebel from business casual. Burn your khakis and wear a suit or jeans.- Are you referring to work related incidents, or everyday attire? If you’re referring to everyday attire, I don’t think you’re impressing anyone at The Olive Garden.

It’s okay to trade the possibility of your 80s and 90s for more guaranteed fun in your 20s and 30s.-Are you implying binge drinking? If so, that doesn’t make you more of a man. It shows how you want to justify your stupid decisions. Sure, you get a minor dopamine release, but then all that manliness gets in the way and you ruin not just your liver. In this article, it says it all in the title. So, jackass, alcohol dependency is related to blunted dopamine transmission. You’re obviously dependent on alcohol for your dopamine release, otherwise you wouldn’t try justifying it. And if you’re still binge drinking in your 30’s, if that’s not an incentive to grow up, I don’t what is. Giving up your 80’s and 90’s in such fashion shows that you’re an idiot and don’t think five years ahead.

Play competitive sports for as long as you can.-Yay for masculinity norms! I grew up playing hockey and quite frankly, don’t understand how people dislike sports. But I digress. I certainly don’t look at someone like Sam Harris or Bill Gates and correlate their “manliness” on how long I think they played sports. They’re brilliant, successful minds and don’t rely on jock mentality to stand up for themselves. I’m sorry if you’re trying to compensate for something.

Never date an ex of your friend-Another example of irrelevance to masculinity. Honestly, for the most part, if you switched this article and last year’s, but changed it to “How to be a real woman” it wouldn’t make much of a difference. Yeah, never date an ex of your friend because that’s a dick thing to do. It doesn’t make you more of a man refraining from something that you should be already. It’s like wanting credit for have never been to jail. I haven’t 🙂

If you perspire, wear a damn undershirt- A basic odor issue. Does bathing make you more of a man too?

People are tired of you being the funny, drunk guy-…..said the guy who just tried justify drinking heavily in your 30’s. Your responses are as pathetic as an unknown blogger taking the time to respond to questions regarding how to be a real man.

You probably use your cell phone too often and at the wrong moments.-That’s just social commentary on today’s generation addiction to technology. You should really go to Singapore and tell this to each and every guy you see on their phone. You’ll be out of breath within minutes. Today’s culture has an unhealthy obsession to their phones; men and women. Why don’t you just shoot me a text? We can sort this out iPhone to iPhone.

Buy expensive sunglasses.- Hey, this is cheating! You literally said that last year, but had more to say about it. I quote, “Buy expensive sunglasses. Superficial? Yes, but so are the women judging you. And it tells these women you appreciate nice things and are responsible enough not to lose them.” Did you realize how much you sounded like a tool last year? Well if you’re going to cheat, I’m just going to use my answer from last year. I quote, “Are you only going for superficial girls? I have Star Wars posters in my room and heck, my girlfriend still likes me. I also have an HD Television as well as a Pearl Export drum set. Both of which are more expensive than sunglasses, more useful, in good shape and I appreciate these nice things a lot. Does that really say anything more than I enjoy my movies in HD and I play music as a hobby? Guess what Mr. Carrey, or is it Carney? Sorry, this got long. Chicks dig musicians! I’ll stick to my Wal-Mart sunglasses while being better at something than you. This doesn’t make me more of a “man” than you; it just shows that I have a passion for something other than being Patrick Bateman. Enjoy your spray tan.”

Act like you’ve been there before.-Like I’ve been where before? If you applied this to literally everywhere I went, it might not prove as fruitful. If I went to Planned Parenthood and acted like I’m a “local” there, I don’t think that would pan out very well. I don’t want to be that guy that gives off a confident aroma of passing his HIV blood test every week. Or Disneyland! Does it really make you cooler than all tourists acting like you frequent Disneyland? If anything, you’d get lost not asking for directions on how to get to the Tea Cups. That place is huge!

Laugh more.-A tip to longevity if applied properly. Once again, nothing to do with manliness. Congratulations, you laugh. What a man! Are you Swedish? Well, you must like spinach. Off of your logic, that makes complete sense.

Learn how to fly-fish-Learn how to backpack, play an instrument, surf, skateboard, play hockey, be a programmer (they make the money), play poker, cook….get the point? All the aforementioned are cooler and more enjoyable than fly fishing. They certainly do not make someone less of a man. It just shows you have different hobbies. It sounds like the writers of these articles took their own lives and just slapped together a manly list, like they were the epitome of manly existence. My wine collection has bigger balls than you.

A glass of wine or two with lunch will not ruin your day.-It does for some people, I suppose. I enjoy a 40oz with my burritos as much as the next manly man, but once again, this has NOTHING to do with a penis. This list isn’t even fun to write anymore. If this is a tongue in cheek article written by a woman, it’s freaking genius.

It’s better if old men cut your hair-You’re creepy.

Own a handcrafted shotgun. It’s a beautiful thing.-Sounds good, Sarah Palin.

There’s always another level. Just be content knowing that you are still better off than most who have ever lived.-Good life advice. Ever been to Cambodia? That will humble your suit wearing, binge drinking ego.

Cobblers will save your shoes. So will shoe trees.-You got me there. I don’t know what that is. I thought you were talking about porn.

The cliche is that having money is about not wasting time. But in reality, money is about facilitating spontaneity.-That’s a cliche? I thought the cliche was money doesn’t buy happiness. You’re not deep, sweetheart. All style, no substance.

Do not use an electric razor.-I couldn’t agree more! Those things are annoying!

#StopItWithTheHashtags-Come to think of it, you and I probably have a lot more in common than I thought we would. #missedconnection

Your ties should be rolled and placed in a sectioned tie drawer.-You work at McDonalds. I told you, there’s no need for a tie.

You may only request one song from the DJ.-If you’re going to places with DJs, it shows that you have terrible taste in music and haven’t grown up. End of story.

Take more pictures. With a camera.-Look at my travel posts. Your pictures aren’t impressive. And guess what? Most of those photos were taken with an iPad. It’s convenient!

Place-dropping is worse than-name dropping.Bowel dropping beats them both.

When you admire the work of artists or writers, tell them. And spend money to acquire their work.-Some things are pleasing to the eye aesthetically, but you don’t necessarily need it in your routine life. At the risk of repeating myself, why are you masculine out of this?

Your clothes do not match. They go together.-Did you run out of things to write? I’m getting there myself.

Yes, of course you have to buy her dinner.-Chivalry, nice. But the way modern day feminism is, that’s a hindrance to equality. Oh, the agony.

Staying angry is a waste of energy.-Yup. It leads to ulcers too. You’re not as clever as you think.

Don’t use the word “closure” or ever expect it in real life.-I really hope this article is coming to a closure.

Drink outdoors. And during the day. And sometimes by yourself.-More justification for drinking!

Date women outside your social set. You’ll be surprised-Yes, how surprising is it that women who aren’t binge drinking at 30 are different. Your social set sucks.

You cannot have a love affair with whiskey because whiskey will never love you back.-Yes, most inanimate objects have that issue. Objectophilia tends to be very one sided.

Feigning unpretentiousness is worse than being pretentious.-That’s the most pretentious thing I’ve heard.

The New Yorker is not high-brow. Neither is The Economist.-Neither is Business Insider.

If you believe in evolution, you should know something about how it works.Tell that to Creationists.

Ignore the boos. They usually come from the cheap seats.-What, did your stand up comedy career have a poor ending?

Give thoughtful gifts.-It’s usually the idea behind giving gifts. I didn’t give my fiance the flu without having a sincere motive behind it.

Life is short. Wait for a good pitch to hit-These kind of contradict each other. Wouldn’t it make sense if the words “life is short” and “wait” weren’t next to each other?

Oh man, that was just as long as last time. Well, in tradition with the previous edition, here’s a photo of something completely random.

chuck

I don’t know what’s more sad. The fact that I took the time to respond to some guy who has no idea who I am, nor will he. Or the fact that I did it twice.

The Guide To Being A Man?? LOL

How old this column of “advice” may be, I was just recently exposed to it. It is essentially CNBC’s John Carney, who also is behind the @GSElevator twitter account, giving his insight on being a “real man” You don’t know who John Carney is? It is ok. A simple google search won’t clear that up. Anyway, Mr. Carney was kind enough to offer his insight on what it takes to be a “real man” in 2013. But it all it ends up sounding like is a graduated frat boy’s list of how to remain a douchebag, yet, still try appear as an adult. You can check out the original page here. In the meantime, here are my rebuttals to his list. I am just another asshole with an opinion, keep in mind. 

(my responses are in bold)

You will regret your tattoos.- Will I really though? I love my tattoos. Mine are just a reflection of my Norwegian background and my love for Irish music. Mr. Carney, do you have tattoos? Do you regret yours? I’m pretty sure I’d regret my tattoos as well if it was ridiculous font spewing out “Only God Can Judge Me” or having my last name tattooed on my back. Then yes, I would regret my tattoos. I’d also be writing a column on how to be a real man, when in reality, I’m just suppressing how big of a tool I am. 

Stop talking about where you went to college.- This is the first of many words of wisdom that has no correlation with being a man. Yes, someone who talks about their college continuously is irritating, but so are roided out brothers talking about how many handles of no-label vodka they killed. To each its own Mr. Carney. This does not contribute to one’s masculinity, it contributes to whether or not people are going to want to hang out with them. Let people be proud and live in the past as long as they want. 

The best public restrooms are in hotels.-Um, I’ll call bullshit. The best public restroom is the great outdoors. Ever been camping and were in desperate need of a quick piss or poop? Have no fear. You just drop your pants and let your body do the rest. There are no stall lines and you don’t have to deal with the pesky task of washing your hands. I don’t need my shits to feel prestigious, elite or 5 stars. I just need enough dirt to bury my shit in a hole. 

After college, never stay out after midnight three nights in a row… Unless something really good comes up on the third night.-Or unless there is a 3 day weekend. You let me dictate my own sleep pattern Mr. Carney. A real man comes inside when the street lights come on. 

If riding the bus doesn’t incentivize you to improve your station in life, nothing will.-Do you live in San Francisco? Owning a car sucks, and has nothing to do with your station in life. Riding the bus is great! You can drink all the Natural Ice you want and not have to worry about driving home! Why does owning a car make you a man? At $4 a gallon, it makes you stupid. I have professors on tenure or sabbatical and they ride Muni. I would say my professors, who encouraged my growth and learning experience, have a great station in life. Does owning a nice car make you feel better about yourself? Most people just end up making fun of your penis size.  

Time is too short to do your own laundry.-…said the person who doesn’t know how to do their own laundry. But hey, I can’t help but agree. Time is too short to wipe your own ass, blow your own nose, pump their own gas: YOLO bro.  

When the bartender asks, you should already know what you want to drink.- Unless you’re at a brewery bar or speakeasy. Been to one of those? You’re foolish if you don’t take the time to enjoy the different options of the beers or cocktails they offer. But no, you’re right. Just continue having your whiskey or rum watered down with Coke. God damn, what a man! You probably drink Cosmopolitans too. 

You don’t have to like baseball, but you should understand the concept of what a pitcher’s ERA means. Approach life similarly.-Well that’s stupid. Do you understand the concept of icing, cross-checking, boarding or a Gordie-Howe hat-trick? If not, it is probably because you don’t watch hockey and I wouldn’t expect you to know these things otherwise. Speaking of which, if you want to discuss manliness, just look up professional hockey players Steve Stamkos or Greg Campbell, and that will help define your precious definition. The best part about these guys and sport is the humility, which, if we are going to discuss being a “man,” just makes you a decent person; much more than discussing those bitches you fucked with your frat buddies while jerking off on each other. Take notes. I don’t like baseball because it’s stupid, boring and being how unpatriotic I am, I could care less if it is America’s favorite past time. Also, stop trying to sound deep by applying the concept of understanding baseball terminologies to living life. Try this one on for size: If you don’t like something, don’t watch it. Deep, eh? 

When people don’t invite you to a party, you really shouldn’t go. And sometimes even when you are invited, you shouldn’t go.-When people don’t invite you to party, you really shouldn’t go because you weren’t invited. It’s rude. When you are invited, and still don’t go, well then you’re just a flake and most people will stop caring about you making an appearance. Nothing to do with manliness, just being pretentious. You’re on a roll good sir. 
 


When in doubt, always kiss the girl.-Sure, but your mom doesn’t count. 

Tip more than you should.– Also, nothing to do with masculinity. However, a very kind gesture. Anyone in the service industry will certainly appreciate this. So, you’re not completely hopeless. 

When the bouncer says it’s time for you to leave, it is.-Yeah, probably. What’s your manly point? 

Buy expensive sunglasses. Superficial? Yes, but so are the women judging you. And it tells these women you appreciate nice things and are responsible enough not to lose them.-Are you only going for superficial girls? I have Star Wars posters in my room and heck, my girlfriend still likes me. I also have an HD Television as well as a Pearl Export drum set. Both of which are more expensive than sunglasses, more useful, in good shape and I appreciate these nice things a lot. Does that really say anything more than I enjoy my movies in HD and I play music as a hobby? Guess what Mr. Carrey, or is it Carney? Sorry, this got long. Chicks dig musicians! I’ll stick to my Wal-Mart sunglasses while being better at something than you. This doesn’t make me more of a “man” than you; it just shows that I have a passion for something other than being Patrick Bateman. Enjoy your spray tan. 

Do 50 push-ups, sit-ups, and dips before you shower each morning.-You’re health conscious. That’s a great thing. Something that applies to both sexes. You’re so smart.  


Eat brunch with friends at least every other weekend.-Why brunch? Whenever I’ve had brunch, no one has ever walked by and said, “Hey Connie! Look at that man!” Is brunch really the manly meals of all meals? Can’t I just circle jerk with my friends every other weekend instead? It’s cheaper and we still have time to watch the game. 

Be a regular at more than one bar.-Or get a new hobby/past time. If drinking is your main activity of nightlife other than having people make fun of you, you’re stupid. 

No selfies. Aspire to experience photo-worthy moments in the company of a beautiful woman.-You sound like someone who instagrams their food. 

Posting pictures on Facebook from a private jet or Vegas suite let’s everyone know it’s your first time… and probably the last.-Or you can just let them post pictures about their life, when in reality, no one cares. Your pictures serve no more purpose to the general public or your friends than the aforementioned. I’d personally be pretty stoked to be on a private jet. Is being stoked about something you normally don’t get to do make you less masculine? Well then, I lost all my masculine points getting excited over Miley Cyrus’s new jam.   

You can get away with a lot more if you’re the one buying the drinks.-You can also have some money left over for that manly brunch date the next day if you’re coaxing others to buy your rounds. I can also get away with a lot more on the internet. What’s your point Darwin? 

Ask for a salad instead of fries.
-Dressing on the side right? This will make it ok to continue pumping alcohol in your system. Thank goodness for that salad. 

Don’t split a check.-Your server would probably appreciate that. You have some kind gestures littered through here Mr. Corny. 

Pretty women who are unaccompanied want you to talk to them.-…said Captain Douchebag. Have you ever worked in a bar sir? Often times, a pretty woman just wants to read a book (or iPad) and drink their wine. Or did your steroids and spray tan give you the impression everyone likes you? “They hate us, because they ain’t us.”-said every insecure jackoff. 

When a bartender buys you a round, tip double. -I will give you this; when it comes to restaurant etiquette,

 I’d really hope to serve you one day. Your man tips, however, come across as vague. 

Find a Times New Roman in the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets. She exists.-“A day without sunshine is like night.” What’s your point? 

Piercings are liabilities in fights.-Very true. Do you just assume, Mr. Manly, that being a man, means you’re going to fight? Anyone who has the audacity to make this list can have their asses kicked by my sister. (she’s pretty scary though) Pressing your faces close together, resisting a quick smooch, while yelling “What the fuck bro?” isn’t a fight. This is a fight.

Desserts are for women. Order one and pretend you don’t mind that she’s eating yours.
-Excuse me? Have you ever had Chubby Hubby? You’re missing out. You appear to fancy yourself a prestigious fellow. What about those fancy 3 course meals? I managed to have one in Napa, paired with different types of wine. When they handed me the dessert paired with a Cabernet, I didn’t act sexist and respond, “Oh, no thanks! Desserts are for women.” Desserts aren’t like a piece of clothing. 

Buy a tuxedo before you are thirty. Stay that size.
-You sound very health conscious. I admire that. But does it have to be a tuxedo? Girls do the same thing with a pair of jeans or their wedding dresses. The desire to want to fit into a piece of clothing you purchased at 30 doesn’t mean you’re a man; it means you want to remain fit. 

One girlfriend at a time is probably enough.
-Oh man, could you imagine having two? Think of the headaches! Actually, having more than one makes you a dick. 

Throw parties. 
But have someone else clean up the next day.-Be an asshole! Why don’t you have the people who do your laundry clean your house? Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?

Measure yourself only against your previous self.-A good piece of advice for everyone. Still, not applicable to one sex. You suck. 

If you wear a baseball cap in bars, the girls will assume you are balding.-What about beanies? Fedoras? Those cool hats from the 30s? If you wear a muscle t-shirt in a bar, the bar will assume you’re a tool. 

Revenge can be a good way of getting over anger.-Well, good thing I’m writing this.  



If she expects the person you are 20% of the time, 100% of the time, then she doesn’t want you.-No one ever liked you for your personality, did they?

Always bring a bottle of something to the party.

– A very sweet gesture again. There’s a human being in there! I can sense it!

Avoid that “last” whiskey. You’ve probably had enough.-It’s not whiskey if you put Coke in it, pussy.  


If you are wittier than you are handsome, avoid loud clubs.-Yeah, probably. Clubs are stupid and only exist to boost your ego for your mediocre social status. Enjoy your $20 vodka tonic. If you’re handsome and a real man, you spend an hour on WordPress responding to a “Be A Real Man List…” Duh!  


Learn how to speak before a large audience.-That’s what my speech teacher said. That class had more than just dudes in it. Probably a good skill to learn for everyone. 

Do not buy the product insurance.-Just because you said not to, I’m going to. You mad bro?

If it’s got velvet ropes and lines, walk away unless you know someone.-If the line is too long, get a Fastpass, and go on the Buzz Lightyear ride.  


No one cares if you are offended, so stop it.-This whole piece is just ironic then isn’t it, queer? Is that offensive?  


Never take an ex back. She tried to do better and is settling with you.-What are you, 17? 

Eating out alone can be magnificent. Find a place where you can sit at the bar.-It really can. But I thought if someone was alone, it should be assumed that they want us to talk to them. 

Read more. It allows you to borrow someone else’s brain, and will make you more interesting.-Well, if you’re trying to pick up on superficial girls, they can’t read anything else except their iPhones, so the idea of reading is obsolete. Also, reading “The Hunger Games” doesn’t make you more interesting. 

Don’t ever say, “It is what it is.”-You’re a douche. it is what it is. 

Start a wine collection for your kids when they are born. Add a few cases every year without telling them. It’ll make a phenomenal gift in twenty years.Or be a “real man” and build them a treehouse, eh? What if your kids don’t like wine? What a phenomenal waste of time. 

Don’t gamble if losing $100 is going to piss you off.Probably, yeah. I still don’t get where this ties in to the man factor.

 

Holy shit, did you get through all that? If so, here’s a picture of the Emperor.

Image

 

Do you also find it funny that I took the time to respond to all of that? So do I. I’m just another asshole with a blog, my opinion doesn’t really matter, but I certainly have fun writing it. Thank you and go with Christ.