The Guide To Being a Man II (LOL)

real-man

Last September, I wrote responses to Wall Street Journal’s John Carney’s list of how to be a man. You can read last year’s article here. If you wish to see my responses from last September, just go to that section of this blog. I don’t write a lot, so it shouldn’t be hard to find. They released an updated version of that list this past September. I would have responded earlier, but I’ve spent this whole year not being a man and backpacking and traveling. My bad. But hey, in the Spirit of Christmas, let’s be a little Scrooge-like, shall we?

“Now, we’ve decided to team up with Genius (formerly Rap Genius) and update that list for 2014, and to include annotations. Click the highlighted lines to read more.”

The annotations do not work for my laptop; probably being that I’m not a real man and am a broke backpacker. But I thought I’d take time out of my empty life and respond to their updated list. Being that this is an updated list of last year’s, there’s some repeats. So, I’m just going to respond to the newbies. Enjoy!

Always carry cash. Keep some in your front pocket.-See, this is my problem with this list and last year’s. They offer some decent life advice relevant to tipping and other miscellaneous tidbits. Admittedly, some of it is pretty spot on and could create for just convenience in your life. Much like this tidbit about carrying cash. How is this related to what’s in between my legs? Even in the 21st Century, (especially in San Francisco) there are many places that are cash only. You don’t want to use an ATM; those silly withdrawal fees add up. Also, ever traveled around Southeast Asia? 98 percent of businesses are cash only. So, was I more of a man because I ALWAYS had cash on me! Was my fiance a man because of this? Oh man, I hope not.

Rebel from business casual. Burn your khakis and wear a suit or jeans.- Are you referring to work related incidents, or everyday attire? If you’re referring to everyday attire, I don’t think you’re impressing anyone at The Olive Garden.

It’s okay to trade the possibility of your 80s and 90s for more guaranteed fun in your 20s and 30s.-Are you implying binge drinking? If so, that doesn’t make you more of a man. It shows how you want to justify your stupid decisions. Sure, you get a minor dopamine release, but then all that manliness gets in the way and you ruin not just your liver. In this article, it says it all in the title. So, jackass, alcohol dependency is related to blunted dopamine transmission. You’re obviously dependent on alcohol for your dopamine release, otherwise you wouldn’t try justifying it. And if you’re still binge drinking in your 30’s, if that’s not an incentive to grow up, I don’t what is. Giving up your 80’s and 90’s in such fashion shows that you’re an idiot and don’t think five years ahead.

Play competitive sports for as long as you can.-Yay for masculinity norms! I grew up playing hockey and quite frankly, don’t understand how people dislike sports. But I digress. I certainly don’t look at someone like Sam Harris or Bill Gates and correlate their “manliness” on how long I think they played sports. They’re brilliant, successful minds and don’t rely on jock mentality to stand up for themselves. I’m sorry if you’re trying to compensate for something.

Never date an ex of your friend-Another example of irrelevance to masculinity. Honestly, for the most part, if you switched this article and last year’s, but changed it to “How to be a real woman” it wouldn’t make much of a difference. Yeah, never date an ex of your friend because that’s a dick thing to do. It doesn’t make you more of a man refraining from something that you should be already. It’s like wanting credit for have never been to jail. I haven’t 🙂

If you perspire, wear a damn undershirt- A basic odor issue. Does bathing make you more of a man too?

People are tired of you being the funny, drunk guy-…..said the guy who just tried justify drinking heavily in your 30’s. Your responses are as pathetic as an unknown blogger taking the time to respond to questions regarding how to be a real man.

You probably use your cell phone too often and at the wrong moments.-That’s just social commentary on today’s generation addiction to technology. You should really go to Singapore and tell this to each and every guy you see on their phone. You’ll be out of breath within minutes. Today’s culture has an unhealthy obsession to their phones; men and women. Why don’t you just shoot me a text? We can sort this out iPhone to iPhone.

Buy expensive sunglasses.- Hey, this is cheating! You literally said that last year, but had more to say about it. I quote, “Buy expensive sunglasses. Superficial? Yes, but so are the women judging you. And it tells these women you appreciate nice things and are responsible enough not to lose them.” Did you realize how much you sounded like a tool last year? Well if you’re going to cheat, I’m just going to use my answer from last year. I quote, “Are you only going for superficial girls? I have Star Wars posters in my room and heck, my girlfriend still likes me. I also have an HD Television as well as a Pearl Export drum set. Both of which are more expensive than sunglasses, more useful, in good shape and I appreciate these nice things a lot. Does that really say anything more than I enjoy my movies in HD and I play music as a hobby? Guess what Mr. Carrey, or is it Carney? Sorry, this got long. Chicks dig musicians! I’ll stick to my Wal-Mart sunglasses while being better at something than you. This doesn’t make me more of a “man” than you; it just shows that I have a passion for something other than being Patrick Bateman. Enjoy your spray tan.”

Act like you’ve been there before.-Like I’ve been where before? If you applied this to literally everywhere I went, it might not prove as fruitful. If I went to Planned Parenthood and acted like I’m a “local” there, I don’t think that would pan out very well. I don’t want to be that guy that gives off a confident aroma of passing his HIV blood test every week. Or Disneyland! Does it really make you cooler than all tourists acting like you frequent Disneyland? If anything, you’d get lost not asking for directions on how to get to the Tea Cups. That place is huge!

Laugh more.-A tip to longevity if applied properly. Once again, nothing to do with manliness. Congratulations, you laugh. What a man! Are you Swedish? Well, you must like spinach. Off of your logic, that makes complete sense.

Learn how to fly-fish-Learn how to backpack, play an instrument, surf, skateboard, play hockey, be a programmer (they make the money), play poker, cook….get the point? All the aforementioned are cooler and more enjoyable than fly fishing. They certainly do not make someone less of a man. It just shows you have different hobbies. It sounds like the writers of these articles took their own lives and just slapped together a manly list, like they were the epitome of manly existence. My wine collection has bigger balls than you.

A glass of wine or two with lunch will not ruin your day.-It does for some people, I suppose. I enjoy a 40oz with my burritos as much as the next manly man, but once again, this has NOTHING to do with a penis. This list isn’t even fun to write anymore. If this is a tongue in cheek article written by a woman, it’s freaking genius.

It’s better if old men cut your hair-You’re creepy.

Own a handcrafted shotgun. It’s a beautiful thing.-Sounds good, Sarah Palin.

There’s always another level. Just be content knowing that you are still better off than most who have ever lived.-Good life advice. Ever been to Cambodia? That will humble your suit wearing, binge drinking ego.

Cobblers will save your shoes. So will shoe trees.-You got me there. I don’t know what that is. I thought you were talking about porn.

The cliche is that having money is about not wasting time. But in reality, money is about facilitating spontaneity.-That’s a cliche? I thought the cliche was money doesn’t buy happiness. You’re not deep, sweetheart. All style, no substance.

Do not use an electric razor.-I couldn’t agree more! Those things are annoying!

#StopItWithTheHashtags-Come to think of it, you and I probably have a lot more in common than I thought we would. #missedconnection

Your ties should be rolled and placed in a sectioned tie drawer.-You work at McDonalds. I told you, there’s no need for a tie.

You may only request one song from the DJ.-If you’re going to places with DJs, it shows that you have terrible taste in music and haven’t grown up. End of story.

Take more pictures. With a camera.-Look at my travel posts. Your pictures aren’t impressive. And guess what? Most of those photos were taken with an iPad. It’s convenient!

Place-dropping is worse than-name dropping.Bowel dropping beats them both.

When you admire the work of artists or writers, tell them. And spend money to acquire their work.-Some things are pleasing to the eye aesthetically, but you don’t necessarily need it in your routine life. At the risk of repeating myself, why are you masculine out of this?

Your clothes do not match. They go together.-Did you run out of things to write? I’m getting there myself.

Yes, of course you have to buy her dinner.-Chivalry, nice. But the way modern day feminism is, that’s a hindrance to equality. Oh, the agony.

Staying angry is a waste of energy.-Yup. It leads to ulcers too. You’re not as clever as you think.

Don’t use the word “closure” or ever expect it in real life.-I really hope this article is coming to a closure.

Drink outdoors. And during the day. And sometimes by yourself.-More justification for drinking!

Date women outside your social set. You’ll be surprised-Yes, how surprising is it that women who aren’t binge drinking at 30 are different. Your social set sucks.

You cannot have a love affair with whiskey because whiskey will never love you back.-Yes, most inanimate objects have that issue. Objectophilia tends to be very one sided.

Feigning unpretentiousness is worse than being pretentious.-That’s the most pretentious thing I’ve heard.

The New Yorker is not high-brow. Neither is The Economist.-Neither is Business Insider.

If you believe in evolution, you should know something about how it works.Tell that to Creationists.

Ignore the boos. They usually come from the cheap seats.-What, did your stand up comedy career have a poor ending?

Give thoughtful gifts.-It’s usually the idea behind giving gifts. I didn’t give my fiance the flu without having a sincere motive behind it.

Life is short. Wait for a good pitch to hit-These kind of contradict each other. Wouldn’t it make sense if the words “life is short” and “wait” weren’t next to each other?

Oh man, that was just as long as last time. Well, in tradition with the previous edition, here’s a photo of something completely random.

chuck

I don’t know what’s more sad. The fact that I took the time to respond to some guy who has no idea who I am, nor will he. Or the fact that I did it twice.