A Sarcastic Cover Letter

So, I wrote a really goofy cover letter for an indie publication because they were looking for a “snarky editorial writer” who likes to rant and such. I figured instead of just showing my fiance what I wrote, I’d show my fiance what I wrote through the internet as well. I personally thought their ad was awesome and per request, I tried writing a cover letter that grabs their attention and something that was applicable for what they were looking for. I don’t recommend copying this format though.

“The music scene is terrible. Artistry has been traded in for the talentless. Anything

popular tends to be over produced electronica and ran by nepotism (I’m talking to

you Will Smith). It’s a generation ran by One Directions and I’m expected to give 5

Seconds of Summer a pass because they know how to play the same three chords

repetitively. Please, don’t tell me that Skrillex is talented or how cool Coachella is. If

you’re over the age of 12 and don’t take drugs, then congratulations, you’ve peaked

higher maturity than the aforementioned demographics. I could write a novel about

my distaste for the music scene, but that’s not the point of this “cover letter.” I’m

reaching out to you for employment.

BitCandy, you say you’re looking for a snarky Editorial Writer, but how serious is

your claim? When I was an editor for the Golden Gate Xpress Newspaper, the editors

above me would constantly edit my pieces for being “too snarky” or “too cynical.” I

know I’m what you’re looking for, but do you know it? I personally felt at home

when I read the first lines of “Do you like to rant? Are you a sarcasm machine?” in

your ad. I’m often labeled a hipster because I find the music I like the old fashion

way; you know, by purchasing records and going to shows. Pretty hipster of me, I

know. I could give you a long list of why I’m qualified for what you’re looking for and

how I want this job, but what’s the point? It was either grab your attention or give

you information I’m sure all your other applicants have spewed out.

I hope this was enough of an attention grabber to get you to the third paragraph and

I guarantee you, if BitCandy takes the time and chance on me, you won’t regret it.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

John Bradley Wilson

P.S. Nickleback is spelled “Meghan Trainor.”

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I Have Too Much ADD To Write A Novel

My life is not that intriguing or interesting, but it makes me laugh. Nothing I write you will probably find compelling and quite frankly, i don’t know why I’m prompting a blog as if someone will read it.

My life is not one continuous journey; to me it’s just a collection of short stories. I don’t have the mental capacity or patience to write anything with a continuous story line and I have too much ADD to write a novel.

Short stories sound like the easiest format and outlet to put into words shit that makes me laugh, my uncreative mind or just hilarity. I have a boner.